Kim Jones Knowingly Refers To Johnny Damon's DNA, Hand

She seems excited by all this.

Chu-Chu Rocket Commercial

The Japanese are insane. Period.

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In Case You Missed It

You can really just skip until the last ten seconds of this video, unless you are a masochist.

A Tale Of Immense Pressure and Eternal Jealousy

Woe to the special teamers of the University of Northern Colorado football team. No living being should be subject to the horriffic pressures that come with taking the field for 5-10 plays a game in front of manic crowds numbering in the tens of hundreds, overflowing with vigor. Imagine. Being a punter. Psychotic fans amped up on goofballs to either side stressing the aluminum bleachers and in this deranged environment ordinary young men of barely notable athletic means are asked to catch a football following a 12 yard hike and with raging 5'10", 180 pound linebackers getting as close as 8 yards away drop the ball and kick it before it hits the ground with not but adrenaline pumping through their veins. And not only kick it, but kick it longer than 30 yards, at least most of the time. Some crumple under the massive pressure. Others thrive, even become sad, desperate addicts to their weekly pigskin fix. And today's sorry tale is about just that kind of addict.

The University of Northern Colorado's reserve punter was arrested Tuesday, accused of stabbing his rival in his kicking leg.

Mitch Cozad, a sophomore from Wheatland, Wyo., allegedly attacked starting punter Rafael Mendoza in a parking lot in Evans on Monday night, Evans police Lt. Gary Kessler said.

Mendoza, the Bears' first-string punter from Thornton, was treated and released from the North Colorado Medical Center Monday night. Coach Scott Downing said Mendoza will not punt for UNC in Saturday's game at Texas State University.

Punting is a hell of a drug. Could any self-respecting man admit they'd do any less? So then, can we really punish this poor soul?

The Raiders Suck

ESPN is going to be in a lot of trouble. They aired a snuff film tonight, live and to the entire nation. That is the only way to describe what the Chargers defense did to the Raiders offensive line. They raped, pillaged and killed. They did to the Raiders what Raiders are supposed to do: physically punished and generally desecrated them in every way possible. The Chargers took away from the Raiders their pride, heart, ego, everything that allowed them to call themselves men with even the slightest confidence. 9 sacks. 9.

9.

This is going to be a very long season for the Oakland Raiders. At least for you west coasters the A's will make the playoffs. Hopefully that provide enough distraction from the weekly massacres that there will be no long term psychological damage. I hope.

On a ligher note, Randy Moss thought it was Halloween and came to the game dressed as William Murderface,



and ESPN's Monday Night Football coverage is an ungodly abomination spawned from the unholy marriage of Josef Stalin and the guy who came up with the Subway Jared commercials.

UPDATE: And then we have this.

The San Francisco Chronicle reported on its Web site that disgruntled receiver Jerry Porter who was inactive for the 27-0 drugging the Raiders absorbed from the San Diego Chargers on Monday night, was seen laughing and pumping his fist on the sidelines when Raiders teammate Aaron Brooks was sacked for the seventh time.

The 2006 Oakland Raiders season will be a comedy of epic porportions.

Lost In The Bullpen

"Hello!!!! HELLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

IT'S AWFUL LONELY OUT HERE!!!!!!!!!! DID YOU FORGET I'M ON THE TEAM?!?!?!?!?!?! I'M STILL GETTING PAYCHECKS!!!!!!! I ASSUME THAT MEANS I'M STILL ON THE TEAM!!!!!!!!! I HOPE YOU DIDN'T RELEASE ME AND FORGET TO TELL ME AND THEN BECAUSE OF A COMPUTER GLITCH IN PAYROLL I'M STILL GETTING PAID!!!!!! YOU KNOW, I USED TO BE A CLOSER!!!!!! AND I HEARD OUR CLOSER IS INJURED!!!!!!! I THINK I MAY BE OF ASSISTANCE TO YOU!!!!!!! ONE OF THE GROUNDSCREW HAD TO TELL ME!!!!!!!! EVERYONE ELSE ON THE TEAM SEEMS TO ASSUME THAT I'M A JANITOR!!!!!! THEY SAY IF I'M A PITCHER I THEY'D KNOW BECAUSE I'D BE PITCHING!!!!!!! I TELL THEM I WANT TO!!!!! THEY SAY EVERYONE WANTS TO!!!!!!! THAT'S WHEN I RUN OUT OF MATERIAL AND CLEAN THE TOILETS!!!!!!!

IT'S REALLY BORING OUT HERE!!!!!!!!! IF I'M NOT GOING TO PITCH I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!!!! OH WAIT, DAVID CONE GAVE ME SOME TIPS ON HOW TO KILL TIME OUT HERE!!!!!!!!"

U.S.Open Insanity

It was a big football weekend so you can be forgiven if you didn't pay one iota of attention to the U.S. Open between #1 vs. #2 in College Footbal and opening day in the NFL. But you missed a hell of a lot of weirdness. Maria Sharapova, 6'3" straight out of the taffy puller, won the Woman's Championship Saturday night. The nineteen year-old celebrated like a nineteen year-old, jumping up and down like the ice cream truck had just shown up and after exchanging awkward condolences with the defeated innocently naively bolted for the stands with ushers and security guards chasing. She was looking for her father and got lost but after 6 or 7 wrong turns found him. But things took a morbid and gothic turn once she returned to the court.



The less said about that, the better.

Roger Federer predictably won the Men's Championship Sunday afternoon. For those not paying attention, and that would be all of you, he's teh Tiger Woods of tennis. He might be the best ever. The most shocking thing that happened in the match was Andy Roddick taking a set. But this year winning the U.S. Open has seemed to spawn madness upon its Champion, and for Roger it was expressed in his demand for a giant breakfast pastry to join his celebration.



Roger loves giant pop-tarts.

The Joe Torre Unsafe In The Bullpen Foundation

Hi. This is HBox. I am here tonight to speak to you about an issue near and dear to my heart. Reliever abuse.

There can be nothing more devastating to a reliever than inappropiate and over-use. The bullpen should be a sancutary, a safe harbor from every storm. Yet, for many Yankee relievers, the Yankee bullpen is a place of danger and fear of an abusive manager.

Paul Quantrill knows that fear. He lived it as a Yankee. Even in his early days, Paul stayed away from the bullpen, fearful of his own manager, who abused his closer.

I interviewed Paul about his experience in the Yankee bullpen.

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HBox: Tell me about your life in the bullpen before Joe Torre.

PQ: It was great.I was used sensibly and I pitched great. One year I had a sub-2 ERA!

HBox: What happened next?

PQ: He, Joe, he........

HBox: Did he pitch you?

PQ: (crying) yes....... he pitched me.........

HBox: Where did he pitch you? Show me on the box score.

PQ: One time....... he pitched me....... with an 11 run lead........... for almost 3 innings!!!!!

HBox: I'm sorry, do you need to take a minute?

PQ: No..... No..... go on.

HBox: How.......how often did he pitch you?

PQ: One time he pitched me 10 times in a 14 game stretch! 12 innings in 14 games! A MAN CAN ONLY TAKE SO MUCH!!!!!

HBox: And what happened next?

PQ: My ERA went up 3 runs! My beautiful ERA was gone forever. Next thing I knew I was in Florida, then San Diego. Now I'm out of the league. My...... MY CAREER IS OVER!!!! (hysterically crying)

HBox: I'm so sorry. Johnny, cut the tape.

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But poor Paul is not the only victim.

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My name is Tanyon Sturtze. Before I came to New York, no one wanted to pitch me anymore. But then Joe Torre entered my life. He pitched me all the time. At first I loved it. I was pitching great for the first time in my life! But then he kept on pitching me, and pitching me, and pitching me. HE WOULDN'T STOP PITCHING ME!!!!!! Pretty soon I was on the DL with a "tired arm." No one ever saw me again.

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Luckily there have been those who have escaped the Yankee Bullpen.

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HBox: Tell me about your time in the Yankee Bullpen.

Tom Gordon: Wow. That was a rough time. Two years that felt like ten.

HBox: How much did he pitch you?

TG: Let me put it this way. I pitched more in my two years in the Yankee bullpen than I did in the 4 years before that.

HBox: Oh my. What happened next.

TG: I got the fuck out of there bitch! No amount of money would have kept me there.

HBox: You must have really wanted out.

TG: I NEEDED out. I went to fucking Philadelphia! A team with a miserable fanbase, a lousy team at the time and a park the size of a Little League stadium! Speaks for itself.

HBox: Did you get out unscathed?

TG: Not really. My ERA is up a run even thought I went down to the junior league. And I ended up on the DL. I'll........ I'll never be the same. (starts crying)

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There are those who can survive the horrors of the Torre bullpen.

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I like to pitch the beisbol.

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IF SOME MOTHERFUCKER TRIES TO PITCH ME TWO DAYS IN A ROW I'LL RIP THEIR HEAD OFF AND SHIT DOWN THEIR NECK!!!!!!!!

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Unfortunately this horrible menace still exists in the Yankee clubhouse. The mere sound of the bullpen phone elicits tears from cowered relievers. Relief pitchers are so beaten down they cannot make eye contact. They live in fear for their very careers.

But you can help. Tanyon and Paul may already be lost, but we CAN save the next generation. It all starts with you.

If you see either of these men, Scott Proctor or Ron Villone, pitching in games with more than 3 run leads or on consecutive days call your local authorities immediately. If you don't want to see these talented relievers go the way of Paul Quantirll and Tanyon Sturtze you must help. It is up to you to help those who can't help themselves.